[Dr House]幽默经典语录

很久以前，我表姐就说她无意间发现《Dr House》很不错看。最近追到没戏看了就去下载来看看，结果，House大叔的幽默往往让我狂笑。


Dan's Mother: How can you just sit there? my son is going to die!
你怎么能就这么坐在那边？我儿子就要死了。
House: If I eat standing up, I spill.
如果我站着吃东西，就会洒出来。


Chase: It's just faith.
这只是宗教信仰。
House: You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
你和上帝说话，你是信仰者；上帝和你说话，你是精神病。

House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.
抬起你的手臂，你体内有个寄生虫。
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
你是说象绦虫一类的东西？
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.You can put your arms down.
撩起你的毛衣，躺下，把手放下来。
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
你能除掉它吗？
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
在大多数洲里，除掉超过一个月大的这种寄生虫是非法的。
Jill: Illegal?
非法的？
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
别担心，很多女人都会喜欢她们的寄生虫，给它起名字，穿衣服，还让它和其他的寄生虫一起玩。
Jill: Playdates…
其他的寄生虫……
House: (showing her sonogram) It has your eyes.
它的眼睛很象你。(这位女士怀孕了)
 
Foreman: Why are you riding on me?
你为什么对我这么刻薄？
House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?
我就是这样子，最近我变得更厉害了吗？
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
对我来说是的。
House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.
真的吗？那么肯定不是种族歧视的原因了，你还和上周一样的黑。
（这笑死我了！）


Cameron: I'll check into it.
我去查查这个。
Foreman: I'll make the call.
我去打电话。
Chase: I'll keep the kid alive. For a while at least.
我去保持那孩子活着。至少能维持一会儿。
House: I'll have lunch.
我去吃午饭。
 
Luke: Is this a good hospital?
这家医院好吗？
House: Depends on what you mean by "good". I like the chairs.
这得看你对好医院的定义了，我喜欢这里的椅子。


Dr. Wilson: I’m still amazed you’re in the same room as a patient.
真令我惊讶，你居然还和患者呆在一间屋子里。
House: People don’t bother me until they get teeth.
没长牙的小家伙我倒不怕。


Dr. Forman: Ten-year olds do not have heart attacks. It’s got to be a mistake.
10岁的孩子不会得心脏病，肯定有什么地方错了。
House: Right. The simplest explanation is she’s a 40-year old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.
没错，最简单的答案就是她谎报了年纪，她其实已经四十岁了。也许她是个女演员。


Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
你有空吗？
Dr. Cameron: What’s up?
什么事？
Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.
闯空门的时候，有个白人女性陪着比较保险。


House: Another reason I don’t like meeting patients. If they don’t know what you look like, they can’t yell at you.
我不喜欢见病人的另一个原因就是，如果他们不知道你的样子，他们就没法冲你大吼大叫。

House不穿白大褂的原因？
House: See that? They all assume I’m a patient because of this cane.
看吧，就因为我这个拐棍 他们都觉得我是个病人。
Wilson: So put on a white coat like the rest of us.
那你就去找件白褂子穿的和我们一样。
House: I don’t want them to think I’m a doctor.
我不想让别人以为我是个医生。
Wilson: You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude.
看吧，这个就是为什么管理层对你的态度有意见。
House: People don’t want a sick doctor.
这儿不需要一个病了的医生。
Wilson: Fair enough. I don’t like healthy patients
这儿也不需要像你这样健康的病人。


(House stops Foreman from writing on the whiteboard)
House: Sorry, there’s a reason they call it the whiteboard. It’s not my rule.
（阻止FOREMAN往白板上写字）对不起，人们管这个叫“白”板是有原因的，不是我定的规矩。（Foreman是黑人）
Foreman:Would you mind give me that black pen?
你介意把那根“黑”笔给我么？

Dr. Foreman: House! You can’t do this!
HOUSE，你不能这么做。
House: Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.
 噢，如果每次我听到这话能得到一角钱的话，我早成百万富翁了。

Chase: When I was in medi school, I had this old professor---
在我上医学院的时候，有一个老教授…
House interrupt: Who touched you in the naughty place?
插嘴：他老是摸你不该摸的地方？
Foreman看了Chase一眼，然后Chase理都不理House继续说.
哈哈哈哈


Dr. Cameron: Yeah, I I trusted you.
没错，我相信你
House: You always trust me. That’s a big mistake.
你总是相信我，这是个大错误。


Lola: You have a big "keep out’ sign stapled on your forehead.
你满脸的不乐意，就差在你头上贴块“离我远点”的牌子了。
House: That explains it. I told them to put it on my door.
没错，我早就告诉他们把牌子挂在门口了。
 House: You were pregnant. Based on your hormone levels, you had a miscarriage.
你怀孕了，从你的激素水平看,你刚刚自然流产了。
Sarah: I haven’t even been on a date.
我没有和人约会过。
House: Right, since it’s physically impossible to have sex without someone buying you dinner.
好吧，显然没人请你吃饭的话你是无法和人做爱的。
Sarah: I haven’t had sex since I split up with my husband.That was almost a year ago.
自从我和丈夫分手后就没做过爱了，那都快有一年了。
House: Fine, have it your way. Immaculate conception.
好吧，你是第二个圣母玛利亚。
Sarah: Um, what do I do?
我该怎么做？
House: Well, it’s obvious. Start a religion
恩，很显然，你该开创个宗教。

House: Someday there will be a black president. Someday there will be a gay president. Maybe there’ll even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see is gay, black, and dead.
有一天我们会有一位黑人总统，有一天我们会有一位同性恋总统，也许有一天我们会有一位黑人同性恋总统，但是肯定不会有个既是同性恋，又是黑人，还是死人的总统。

House: We’re missing something.
我们漏掉了一些东西 。
Chase: What?
什么？
House: If I knew that it wouldn’t be missing.
如果我知道是什么它就不是“漏掉”的了。

House: You Jewish?
你是犹太人？
Gilmar: Yeah.
是的。
House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
那他们说的犹太人的前戏是真的吗？
Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
你是说两个小时的前戏吗？
House: I heard four.
我听说是四个小时。
Gilmar: Well actually I’m only half-Jewish.
其实我只有一半的犹太血统。
 
House: (walking away from the class) Can you still hear me?
还能听见我说话么？
Rebellious Student: No.
不能
Caring Student: A little.
一点点
Keen Student: Not really.
基本听不见
House: If you can’t hear me, how do you know what I asked?
如果你们听不见我，怎么知道我问得什么？
 
House: I should have been out of here 20 minutes ago.
我20分钟前就应该离开这了。
Nurse Brenda: You got here 20 minutes ago.
你到这刚20分钟。
 
Dr. Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
你没有证据下中毒的诊断。
House: Which is why it’s going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.
这就是为什么当最后证明我是对的的时候会非常酷。


House（突然推门进来）：现在活体解剖算违法么？
Cuddy：你嗑药了？
House：今天是星期二，我很颓废。
Cuddy：是星期三。
 
关于脚踏车选手流口水失去意识----
House：我的新理论。他流口水是一种竞争优势，他把口水流到赛道上，赛道变滑，就没人能追上他了，所以他不能在雨天比赛。

看到更多再来写！
追到很爽，考试距离不到一个月的时间啊！！